What is Grief?

Grief is the response to a change we did not want. ​Grief is a constellation of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors associated with a death. It involves the internal meaning given to the external event of death. It is a normal and healthy response to the loss of a loved one. Grief involves common phases or stages that each person moves between and through. And, it is as unique to each person as their fingerprint. 

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Mourning is the outward expression of grief. The way someone mourns is influenced by various factors, including religion, culture, customs, gender, and personality. Mourning is an individual matter, and the natural way of adjusting to the loss.

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Bereavement is the entire process that a loss or death triggers.

The real grief process often doesn’t begin until months after the death. It is essential to remind yourself that you are not broken or in need of repair. You are grieving. It is the expected, healthy, and normal human response to the loss of your precious baby or loved one. It is the repression of the feelings surrounding the loss, by others and ourselves, that causes problems.

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The death of a loved one can blindside us, and if we lose a child, it is one of the most difficult types of loss to come to grips with and process. It is called out-of-order grief because it defies what we perceive to be the natural order of life. We do not expect children to die before their parents. Added to that, most parents have had little life experience dealing with grief and death.

Below you will find the Four Phases of Bereavement. Being able to reference these phases for any type of loss can reassure you that what you are feeling is normal. At times, you may feel as if you are moving through all of these phases all at once or flowing between them, for these phases are not static. Grief tends to come in waves instead of discrete stages. It has been compared to enduring a fierce storm at sea. At first, the waves are peaked and close together. Eventually, the sea becomes calmer, but occasionally the storm regroups without any warning. For several hours, days, weeks, you may not feel grief; then suddenly you meet someone, or see something (such as a pregnant woman or a reminder of your loved one), or hear something (such as a baby’s cry), and the grief resumes. It feels as if you are taking one step forward and two steps back. And while feeling you would like to join your baby can be very normal, especially for women, if the suicidal thoughts become dominant or you feel you might act on them, please contact your midwife, OB/GYN provider, or a mental health professional immediately.

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